So it is over.
The night came where I had one more chance to have a girl like me and now it's over and im left here hating and wondering what went wrong. Im not even sure where to begin but I do know that no matter what, I need to realize that the only thing I can try to do now is move on. God, why is it so hard?

I just watched The Virgin Suicides.
I now love Sophia Coppola even more.
Skew.

So the girl.
Ok, so when I ended my last post I was debating on how I should act around this girl, lets call her kate. Well, kate and I ended up going to a party...sober...mostly because she doesnt drink and I decided not to as well. Anyway, the whole night while we were dancing I was trying not to get so close (ie. grinding and all that fun stuff) because I thought that she wouldnt be too into that, considering all her views and stuff. Well this made for some really awkward moments on the dance floor; But eventually I just went ahead and the rest of the night was fun.
So, now skipping ahead to the part where I am walking her home. This is kind of remenicint* of the previous post I had about this same situation, except one thing. Instead of being asked if I wanted a hug, there was that weird pause for a kiss. And considering that she didnt make any indication on the bus ride home that she wanted to, I just assumed that it wasnt going to happen. I now know that assumptions really are the mother of all fuck ups... So I came home without a gurantee that she was interested, sober, and not tired.
Now forwarding to today, the afternoon after. I figured that despite no kiss I could still salvage a second date... so I called, and it turns out that she is not only busy tomorow night, but doesnt know what her schedule is for the next week. I've taken this as a no for all times. But despite all this the only thing that I can't get over is the fact that while the entire time I was with her, i never felt like I was 'there,' I felt like I was this shell. Im guessing that she noticed that as well. So here I am not knowing what to do and wondering the whole time if there is still a chance. thats all.
Skew

>>Warning...this is a complete ramble<<

Im not sure what Im doing anymore...
There is this girl and I think she likes me, but it seems that when I asked her out I was under some illusion. A fog of either desperation or false pretenses. I knew she was good, but I didn't know how good. For example, she is devoutly religous, doesn't drink and rarely swears. While I know that this is a quality that is hard to find at a college campus, it doesnt make me less worried. Or rather scared. Im terrified that she will look at my life, what I've done, the choices I've made and just smile and never talk to me again. It raises the question of whether I put on a new cover and try to match with her - in her outlook on life, and all that stuff she is about and makes her - her.
But of course one part of me wants to remember a time when I needed someone to talk to everyday and ask me stupid little things like how my day was, and what I thought of certain things. Now I am mixed. I want out of this shroud that I feel I need to put on, and also I want in. I want to be that person who matters deeply to someone else and most of all I want her to be that person too. Maybe I'm just rambling, or maybe this is a sign. Whatever it is I want to take a rest and tell her the truth, and hope that she accepts me for who I am - a normal 20 year old kid who is scared to death.

Coming Home.
It's finally time. I've made my money, learned some things and am completly bored of Denver. Im getting back the morning of July 29th, this sat. After that, I plan on chilling in glenwood for the night and then going to the River Riot on Sunday. It's gonna be great to see everyone again, catch up with Bartel, Brad, Jensen and Hooker.
As of tonight, I just got back from this awesome club, it's called The Church. And it literally is a church, and old one at that, there are three floors and three different types of music playing. It was honestly the best party of the summer for me so far, and I imagine it might of beat a depot party, but just by a bit. Cool, well im tired and I still have to pack.
Skew.

Im tired of it, why cant you just cut the shit and tell me...

I think it's strange when you have to grow up.
Becoming older is one thing that I have wanted to always put off until the last minute. I felt like I missed so many things when I was younger, like a girlfriend, and sneaking out of my house at midnight to meet someone. And for the longest time I've been avoiding responsibility and maturity because I still wanted to feel those things for the first time. I wanted to be aloof of everything, and most of all be a teenager.
This last semester in school I didn't do so well, I mean the grades weren't good. But that wasnt the only thing that fell short of my life. I think it was the social aspect of it. Because I never wanted to grow up I never went to parties in college because they were different. There was conversations I wasnt interested in and people I didnt want to see. Not because they were boring or uninteresting, but because to embrace in those meant that I would have to leave my dreams of meeting a girl just as immature as me. My dad calls this summer "the one" He means that this is the one summer where I figure out my life and try to accept my age. I'm not sure he knows that what has been holding me back all these years is the teenage angst that I havent gotten out of. I have talked about angst in the past like it is something I can put my hands around, curse and love at the same time. But the truth is that I never could, if there was ever angst, then it could never have been teenage. Because then why do I still think about it now? A while back I was to the point of breaking, mentally and physically. I sat down on a cold night and made a list of everything I ever wanted to do when I was a teenager. On it, the number one thing was to fall in love... I almost did that once, but it turned out that the same "angst" that drove my dream to that point is what broke the relationship up. So here I am working this out on my blog, now realizing what is wrong, and for the first time trying to actually put my hands around this angst thing, and I cant. I feel like even though I write these words, I will wake up in the morning and still be in the slump. But I cant. I cant. I have to be able to string together a sentance and put my feet on the floor. Not like a new begaining, thats not what I'm proposing. But like a change. A move out of the norm that has cast a shadow over my life the past six years. I'm not sure how I am going to do this, I really dont. But I have to try. Like I said I need to get out and live. Meet a girl and take every moment for what it is worth. Why do I need to? Because I still can...
I know that I never will be able to attend that middle school dance and hold hands with a girl, or date the girls who liked me in high school. But I do know that tomorow is a new day, with responsibility and thankfully, hope. I will always miss those moments, but I know that those weren't the end. That life is progressing and I am growing up.
That felt good.
John